The Mystery of the Bachelorette Party

This weekend, I will schlep my big, white arse down to West Palm, Florida for a bachelorette weekend.  My long-time friend, Miss Sarah Lee Rose is tying the knot in October and nothing says “I do” more than a weekend of celebrated singleness and debauchery.

Ah, the bachelorette party.  Often overlooked in the shadow of the mighty Bachelor Party, the Bachelorette Party is a powerful thing.  Never underestimate the power of a group of women in stillettos hunting for free drinks and someone to lick whip cream off of the bride-to-be’s chest.  That’s a force to be reckoned with.  Much more powerful than, say, a group of drunken slobs who pass out between someone named Sugar and the stripper pole.

But I have to say, bachelorette parties are a bit scary to me since I’ve been married.  Not scary in the sense that I fear them, but scary in the way the first day of school is scary – I just don’t know where to go or what to do.  As a married person, you tend to avoid situations involving any combination of cosmopolitans, mini-skirts, and large numbers of single men.  Although, when you put it that way, I have to wonder WHY anyone would avoid those situations cause it sound pretty fantastic to me…  Nevertheless, I don’t have much experience with bachelorette parties since I’ve been married, which leaves me oddly uncomfortable about this weekend.

And, as usual, it all hinges on my wardrobe.  I can’t find a thing to wear, and I have bought half the retail merchandise in the tri-state area in the past few weeks.  All I need is a “sundress” for a surprise event on Friday (which I cannot divulge here because said bride-to-be is a devoted fan of this humble blog…) and I need a little black dress for Saturday’s big night out.  SaturDAY is not really an issue because we’ll be at the pool in bathing suits, so I should be sufficiently humiliated sitting next to all those tan Florida girls.  I don’t really need to purchase anything for that kind of nightmare. I can pretty much embarrass myself in any ol’ bathing suit.

But the dresses – DAMN THE DRESSES!  I either look like I’m going to church or like I’m going to work the corner of 4th and Palafox Streets.  I decided to go with the church look, but dress it up with some funky heels or jewelry.  Now, I just look like one of those crazy, old ladies who sit in the front pew every Sunday with a big feathered hat.  The kind of person who makes you wonder, “Doesn’t anyone love that poor person enough to tell her how ridiculous she looks?”  I have this gorgeous, black slip dress from Banana Republic (…sigh…how I miss my relationship with Banana Republic, which has tragically been replaced by my relationship with Home Depot).  So I bought these really stylish deep purple, kind of shiny, very high heels to wear with them and a big chunky gold necklace.  I look like I should be at a Mardi Gras parade.  Actually, I look like I should be IN the Mardi Gras parade.

And I bought this other dress for Friday night.  Its black and white and makes me look like…what was the word Chris used???…cheap slut.  Oh, that’s right.  It makes me look like a cheap slut.

So those are my two choices.  I can either look like an insane Sunday School teacher at a Mardi Gras parade or I can look like a cheap slut (thank you, Chris).

Life is full of complicated decisions



Filed under Changes, Marriage

7 responses to “The Mystery of the Bachelorette Party

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  3. Have fun…just not too much fun.

  4. Chris Brown

    For the record, I didn’t say cheap slut… It was merely an attempt to get her to not wear the dress for the bachelorettes sake. If the misses wears that dress, it won’t matter what the bachelorette has on her head, everyone in that bar is going to be looking at the red head next to her…. i promise. she looked sexy…. too sexy for me to let her go to south florida… too sexy for me to let her go anywhere… actually the only thing I have going for me is that she’s as pale as an eskimo. 🙂

  5. It’s South Florida! After 2 a.m., everybody’s a cheap slut…whether you got a feathered hat or not 😉 Just have fun!!

  6. Alright, you can’t do a post like this and not put up 2 pictures and take a poll!

  7. The bachelorette

    I think whatever you wear will not compare to the embarrassment of wearing a fake veil on your head all night. Besides, who cares what you wear when you’re drunk???