I’m Right, RIGHT?

Yesterday I picked my head up out of the toilet long enough to pick a fight with Chris.  A big fight.  A fight so big that we haven’t spoken since yesterday at 5:45.  A fight so big that when I bought him McDonalds for dinner last night as a peace offering, he left it sitting on the counter and cooked his own dinner instead.  These are uncharted waters for me.  McDonald’s has never failed me.

I would blame this fight on hormones if I could because its always easy to play the crazy pregnant lady card.  But the truth is, we have started and stopped this fight for months and last night it just came to a head.  It seems like such a normal thing to fight about – splitting holidays between families.  But it is actually much more than that.  It is a blaring example to me of my stubbornness and inability to be flexible.

The thing is, I’m actually right in this fight.  Last Christmas was my family’s major holiday and his sister joined us.  Then for Thanksgiving this year, it was going to be my family’s holiday and now his mom and sister are coming.  And then Christmas this year was going to be his mom’s family.  Technically, that is three holidays in a row for his family, and none for my family to get some one-on-one time.  Months ago I would have liked for him to volunteer to ask his mom and sister to give us this holiday with my family, but he didn’t do that.  And my own fault was that I didn’t push it then.  I waited until a month and a half before Thanksgiving and put my foot down.  Naturally, he was furious.  The last I heard, he was on the phone with either his mom or sister telling them that I didn’t want them here for Thanksgiving.  And then we didn’t speak after that.  He came to bed (which actually surprised me) and stayed on his side.  No feet even touching.  Not good.  This morning I thought maybe there would be a note on the chalkboard in the kitchen, but it was blank.

I called my mom last night for support.  She and my dad, of course, don’t care whose around for holidays as long as they can see their kids.  But I tried to explain that it was me with the problem.  I needed some private time with my family.  I wanted to see them without having to worry if there was coffee made or enough pillows for everyone.  I don’t want to be a hostess when my family is in town.  My mom said she understood that, but then she surprised me and said that sometimes being right isn’t always the right solution.  She said sometimes I get so focused on being the “right” one, that I forget what the “good” decision should be.  She’s a smart lady, that Mom.  And in this case, she’s the one whose right.

I tend to be a very black and white person when it comes to arguments and conflicts.  Someone is right and someone is wrong.  But if I stop to think about it more, being right doesn’t justify being mean.  In this situation, being right means Chris’ family can’t see him for Thanksgiving and they were really excited because of the new house and the baby.  And being right means I have given the impression to his sister and his mom that they aren’t welcome in my house or with  my family.  And right, wrong, or in between, that is just not true.  I love his family, and having them around does mean that I may put more pressure on myself to be the hostess with the mostess, but it also means a fuller house – and who ever said more family was a bad thing?  And more important than any of this, being right means hurting Chris’ feelings.  Making him feel like his family is not as important to me as mine.

My mom was right when she said that sometimes I need to put aside being right or wrong and just do…well, just do the right thing.  At this point, its too late and confusing to go back and try to undo the feelings I’ve hurt with this situation.  But I know that I’ll be more flexible when things like this happen again.

I think I’ve done about all the damage I can do here.  I’m going to go put my face back in the toilet now.

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7 Comments

Filed under Marriage

7 responses to “I’m Right, RIGHT?

  1. Ginny

    Splitting holidays are hard – especially with the geographic hurdles our twisted families provide to both of you. In my personal opinion, its something that you and Chris should have decided on together before inviting/uninviting people so both of you are at fault. But that’s all water under the bridge now.

    Look at the bright side – you didn’t hurt my feelings and I’ll still be there as a beaming aunt-to-be!! And really, even if you did hurt my feelings I would have come anyway and just secretly spit in your turkey. Can’t get rid of me that easily.

  2. Girl…. I can totally relate. It’s a touchy and hard subject, and I get knots in my stomach every time we have to figure out the next holiday. UGH.

  3. Annie

    First off, when I was with you last Christmas, that wasn’t “chris’s family” with you, that was me not getting to spend Christmas with my family. You still got to do everything that you would’ve done with your family whether I was there or not. Secondly, don’t worry, my mom and Charles are going to come down to Orlando and have Thanksgiving with me this year.

  4. Amber

    Ditto what Emily said – been there and done that! Also the idea about your family coming a little earlier (or later) is great too. Umm….. kudos to Emily! I have to say, I didn’t totally understand your side until the explanation about being hostess. I get it now. Also your mom IS a very smart lady & you should definitely consider what she said. I’m sure you two will work it out (Any new Mac products on the market? I bet that’s a sure-fire way to his heart!). One more thought, it’s really good that you guys are dealing with this now, because once the baby comes, EVERYONE will want to be with you guys for EVERY holiday – trust me!

  5. Oh the ol’ split holiday fight. Been there, done that. Let me just say that you are lucky that your families can all be together to celebrate holidays. If we tried to do a dual holiday, it would be awkward. It’s not that our families don’t get along, they are just very different. And the way I see holidays… the more, the merrier. I think you’ve seen the light as far as that goes! But…. something to consider maybe for future holidays (because I totally understand your need to JUST hang out with your family sometimes)… could they come visit a couple days earlier so you have some relaxed family time?? Then Chris’ family can come and join in later….

  6. Are you sure you can’t undo it? Call the other mom and sister, tell them it wasn’t what they thought, blame it on the pregnancy or something? I hate knowing I’ve hurt the feelings of people I love. I would almost rather be wrong all the time, than be right and know I’ve hurt feelings.

  7. goodbadandugly2

    Hey lady, it is me….hope you are feeling ok! I am finally getting this blogging down and find it therapeutic.

    Anyways, I think your mom is a smart lady and you should just bring Chris some beer…that should make him love you again! 🙂