We have birds outside our house. And I don’t mean like flying around or eating out of bird feeders. I mean they have built entire condominium complexes in our window sills and on our roof. And they aren’t sweet little song birds. They are dive-bombing, dog-hunting, window-scratching scary birds. Chris doesn’t believe me, but they are there I tell you. They are stalking my dogs and living on my house.
A few weeks ago, I woke up early one morning to the sound of wings beating against our bedroom window. Chris was already downstairs, so I quietly walked over and opened the curtain just in time to see a huge sparrow/falcon/beast burrow into the small space underneath our AC window unit. I think they have a nest or two under there because there were more of them trying to get into, too. It looked like a airstrip out my window – all these birds lined up in a holding pattern waiting for their turn to climb inside my AC unit. I immediately started banging on the window unit and screaming for Chris. He came upstairs and told me that I had to stop hitting the unit or it might fall. And then he said I was being paranoid and he went back downstairs.
So, I sat very quietly in my bedroom waiting for the next sparrow/bald eagle/beast to try burrowing again. This time I was going to turn the unit on and scare their feathered ass. But when the next one landed and I turned on the AC unit, the bird/osprey/beast started flapping its wings even harder and pecking the window. I got scared and ran out of the room.
Score: Birds 1 Katie 0
I started paying more attention to these evil animals after that and noticed that they had nests all over our yard. They had multiple nests in all our trees, on our shed room, behind the garage, and in other windows that held AC units. I became obsessed. Every time I went outside, I looked for birds first. But they were smart. They only came around when there was glass between me and them. And when Chris wasn’t looking so that I continued to look like a crazy person.
I had no choice but to give in to the birds. No one believed me, and no one could help me. My house had gone, quite literally, to the birds. They won.
Score: Birds 2 Katie 0
But this morning, all of that changed. I am home sick from work today, and I managed to raise my head out of the toilet long enough to see what my dogs were doing outside. They were barking like crazy. I look out the kitchen window and there is Lucy sitting in the middle of the backyard, all majestic like. A giant majestic 20-pound chihuahua. She was sitting still, with her head held high, not moving a muscle. Where was Molly?
Under the back deck. Where she had been driven by the sparrow/teradactyl/beasts. Every time she tried to come out from the deck, 4 or 5 birds would dive bomb her. I was furious! No one messes with my stupid dog! So, I grab my broom and go stomping out of the house wearing my PJs, my fuzzy pink robes, and Chris’ tennis shoes, broom flailing, screaming all kinds of obscenities at the birds. Lucy catches on and joins me by barking and jumping at the birds. Molly takes this opportunity to high tail it into the house.
With Molly securely inside, Lucy and I retreat as well. But as soon as I close the kitchen glass door, 2 BIRDS DIVE-BOMB THE DOG DOOR!! I scream and slammed the big wooden door. And they started dive-bombing the kitchen window. And my bedroom AC unit!
So, now I’m locked in my basement with my two dogs, listening to the birds sqawking and waiting for them to quit hitting the side of my house. I don’t know what I’m going to do about these clearly possessed birds. Or my dogs, who are afraid to come out from under the coffee table. I could really use a shotgun about now. And a trashcan to throw up in.
Score: Birds 3 Katie 0