Is There a Doctor in the House?

(WARNING:  As I write this post, I am at the end of my pregnancy rope.)

I always, always, always pick the wrong doctors.  Always.  In college, I got the doctor who thought that every symptom you had was a symptom of an STD.

Runny nose?  Syphallis.

Sprained wrist?  Ghonorria.

Upset stomach?  Herpes.

Every time I went in, I given a safe sex lecture and a handful of condoms as my “medication.”  Freaking doctors.

When I graduated from college and got big girl health insurance, I got a real doctor.  But she was one of those health nuts who thinks that hugs and unicorns can cure anything.  I went in to her one time with a horrible head cold that I thought was infected because it had been weeks and it just wouldn’t drain.  Her back was to me when I asked for a prescription for something that could break this up so I could go back to work.  Suddenly, she stopped writing in her little notepad, slowly put her pen down, and turned to me with a stern face.

“Oh, I see,” she said.  “Well let me tell you.  I’m not that kind of doctor that just gives out drugs.”

Drugs?  Its a Z-pack, lady.  Not Percoset.

And now that I am pregnant, I seem to have chosen the wrong doctor again.  I know that when you’re growing a person inside you, you really have to be careful about what you put in your body.  But I also know that I can’t spend my work days locked in the bathroom stall.  And I know several moms who have taken a prescription to help with the sickness and their babies came out perfectly normal – all fingers, toes, and earlobes accounted for.  But do you think my doctor will give me anything?  ANYthing?  Nooooooo.

Three weeks ago, I called her when I couldn’t keep anything down.  I told her I didn’t need something every day, just something to settle my stomach so that I could get back to work.  Her solution?  Crackers and saltines.  I wanted to reach through the phone and smack her upside the head.  No shit crackers and saltines!  You think I haven’t tried freaking crackers and saltines?!?!  I have a mother, don’t I?

A few days later I called back to say that (shockingly) the crackers and saltines just weren’t doing the trick.

“Okay,” she said.  “Time to try something drastic.  You need to go to the grocery store and buy yourself some ginger root.  Then boil that ginger root in some hot water.  Add a little honey, and enjoy a warm cup of homemade ginger tea.”

Look, Dr. Doolittle.  I don’t want to homebrew myself anything.  I want a prescription.  Real medicine.  Not some backwoods, home grown remedy that my mom could have given me.  I’m not pretend sick.  I haven’t pooped in 3 days.  I’m so emotional that last night I cried at a story on the news.  I throw up every time I brush my teeth.  I gag when I’m within 25 feet of food.  I’m hungry.  I’m cranky.  And I think my husband may leave me if I don’t get this under control.  I don’t need a hug or a warm shower or a long walk or a tea or a Preggie Pop.  I’m going to need some real help here.  So take off your Girl Scout sash and break out your prescription pad.

But instead of saying all of this, I wimp out and say that I’ll give it a try.  And, of course, it does nothing.  Nothing.

So, I call her again.  “This really isn’t working out.  I think I could use some medication.  I can’t keep calling in to work or spending my days in the bathroom.  Do you think there is some medicine that could help?”

“Okay,” she says, clearly disappointed that I have chosen the unhealthy, baby-killing route of medication.  “Why don’t you try this brand of medication that you can get right at your local pharmacy.  Over the counter.”

Freaking doctor.  Over the counter?  Are you serious?!?!  I wanted to scream out, “Where the hell did you get your medical degree?!?!  Were you there the day that the Teletubbies were giving out white coats????”

But I suck it up, yet again, and last night I tried this over the counter medicine.  I was up all night long in the bathroom.  All.  Night.  Long.  I feel terrible this morning, and I look like I’m already wearing a Halloween mask.

I’ve had enough.  I’m calling her this morning and I’m telling her straight up.  I do drugs.  Prescription drugs.  Not rainbows and things that grow in the woods.  Real drugs.  And if she has a problem helping me out with some REAL medications, then maybe I need to find a different doctor because I’ll tell you one thing.  I’m not arguing with that bitch on my delivery day about how powerful positive thinking can be in lieu of an epidural.

Freaking doctors.

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9 Comments

Filed under Marriage

9 responses to “Is There a Doctor in the House?

  1. Mendi McCormick

    OMG…I have been on 3 different meds for over one month, and the baby is just fine. They are all safe, the same “level drug” as tylenol, according to my dr. I was in the same boat you are in, and had to do something. Seriously, switch dr’s. Hope you get to feeling better soon! 18 weeks tomorrow and still taking drugs 🙂

  2. Drea M.

    Oh god, I wanted so badly to burst out laughing and write ‘SUCKS TO BE YOU!’…

    But then I remembered I was dealing with massive amounts of pregnancy hormones. And it made me want to give you a unicorn and then back away slowly.

  3. SusanL

    I’ve never been pregnant, and don’t plan to be, but here is my .02 anyway. Your doctor works for you. Get one who understands that.

  4. So sorry that you are feeling horrible, as a pharmacist there are anti-nausea drugs that ARE okay to take, especially in your circumstance. I do agree that you should find a new doctor if you are not happy because there will be other things that pop up further down the road with this whole pregnancy thing. Plus it will help relieve your mind. One less thing to stress about.

    And for the person who said that you didn’t need a z-pac for a cold is correct, however it does treat an infected sinus, that can be brought about by a cold.

  5. I am so sorry that you are sick. I agree with the others, you should definetly find another doctor. Many will even give you a free in-office consultation, just ask. You have given your doctor every opportunity to help you. You will not want to wade through her home remedies and over the counter medications when you are in labor.

    When you are searching for your next doctor, I also suggest you ask if they are planning their vacation at anytime around your due date. I saw the same doctor throughout my entire pregnancy and the day I went in to labor, he was leaving on vacation. A doctor I had never met delivered my son. Everything I had planned out with my doctor was a struggle with the other doctor. I even had to wait on my doctor to come back into town to have my son circumsized because the doctor who delivered him wouldn’t do it unless I paid him first. My doctor had already been paid for everything, and I sure didn’t have $350 on me at the hospital.

    I suggest you sit down and think about everything that is important to you. Then write it down and make sure that your next doctor feels the same way. It is your body, and your baby so your medical care should be your decision. A good doctor will not be intimidated or angry that you know what you want.

    Good luck in finding a doctor and I hope your sickness gets better soon so you can enjoy your pregnancy.

  6. Anon

    By the way, the doctor that wouldn’t give you the Z-pack was right… antibiotics won’t help a headcold.

  7. I’m sorry you’re so sick, but man, this cracked me up. Especially the part about the teletubbies… you’re really about to lose it, huh? My sister-in-law was so sick for most of her pregnancy, her doctor gave her this medicine that is given to cancer patients that is something like 800 bucks per refill (insurance would only let her have a few refills.) But she swears it was the only thing that helped and her baby turned out just fine. In the meantime, and don’t slap me for suggesting something so simple, have you tried Tums for some relief? My sister, who was also very sick, said it helped a lot. Now go find a doctor who knows how to use a prescription pad!

  8. Get a new doctor! If she isn’t on the same page as you, find a new one. QUICK! There are tons out there, do a quick phone interview with them (some do that) and tell them your issues and what you want. That you’re not into herbal remedies and you want someone on the same page that will listen to what YOU want and offer suggestions you believe in. Is there another doc in that office you can switch to? You are nuts if you don’t switch.

    by the way, I thought rainbows and unicorns can cure everything… don’t they?

  9. Ok, I know you’re miserable and I am very sorry, but this post was hilarious. I laughed outloud. I too am a fan of drugs (that work). Hopefully your doctor will come to her senses! (And not to sound too unicorn-y, but I’ve heard Vit. B6 helps w/ morning sickness sometimes, just in case your doc is slow in writing that prescription)