How to Spot a First Trimester Pregnant Woman

One of the frustrations about the first trimester of a pregnancy is that no one can tell you are pregnant yet.  And everyone knows that without the belly, you aren’t REALLY pregnant…  But after some deep self-discovery, I have realized that first trimester pregnant women are actually pretty easy to spot.

How To Spot a First Trimester Pregnant Woman:

1.  She’s the one who makes awkward statements to coworkers and strangers like, “My embryo grows ears this week.”

2.  She’s the one who believes burping loudly is unavoidable and, therefore, should be socially acceptable.

3.  She’s the one who cries at the forwarded emails you send her.

4.  She’s the one who sends the memo around her office proposing a management-supported nap time after lunch.

5.  She’s the one who refers to her husband as “that bastard who did this to me.”

6.  She’s the one who will theaten bodily harm if you block her way to the bathroom.

7.  She’s the one who can’t keep anything down but saltines and Snickers.

8.  She’s the one who doesn’t sleep at night and walks around disoriented, muttering strange things, then laughing hysterically before breaking into sobs.

9.  She’s the one who insists that if you eat the garnish on the plate, a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich satisfies all major food groups.

10.  She’s the one who is plastered against the wall of the sushi restaurant, drooling.

11.  She’s the one who sips her club soda and lime and tries to look like she’s having as much fun as her dinner partners who are on their 3rd bottle of wine.

12.  She’s the one who in the middle of a sentence will suddenly turn green, burp, and then run to the bathroom.

13.  She’s the one who cries when she puts on pants in the morning.

14.  She’s the one who when you socially ask how she is doing will give you a run down of her physical discomforts, including but not limited to nausea, exhaustion, constipation, insomnia, and the recent pain in her ass formerly known as her husband.

15.  She’s the one who looks like a homeless person at work because she can’t seem to drag herself out of bed in time to do things like put on matching earrings or bathe.

16.  She’s the one who believes that 1,000 Island salad dressing is an appropriate condiment for any food.  Really.  Any food.

17.  She’s the one who will punch you in the nose if you tell her what she is feeling is natural.

18.  She’s the one who takes naps in the bathroom stall at work.

19.  She’s the one who would sell her soul for a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

20.  She’s the one whose husband looks like he has hasn’t slept for a year and says things like, “Stretchy pants are sexy.”

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6 Comments

Filed under Marriage, pregnancy

6 responses to “How to Spot a First Trimester Pregnant Woman

  1. Ginny

    Toughin’ up, sister. You have a long way to go and none of this is an acceptable until I see a bump.

  2. I will not tell you that everything you’re feeling is natural… because, honestly… I think you have it pretty bad! I don’t think I was nearly as sick or tired as you have been. (That was supposed to make you feel better and fully embrace a pity party… did it work??)

  3. Okay, thanks. I will now never get pregnant.

  4. Okay, thanks. I will now never get pregnant.

  5. Amen and Amen, sister. Preach it!

  6. paintedpants

    Re: 19. I definitely went through my mac and cheese craving phase last week!
    -Lori