The 24th Hour

“Could you hold this textbook up for me?”

“What do you think I should do about this?”

“What the…???”

These are all things that you never want to hear your doctor say to you.  But wanna hear the scariest?

“Katie, you have a genetic disorder that could result in mental retardation in your baby.”  Yep.  That’s definitely the scariest.  Pretty much doesn’t get much scarier than that.  And yet this is what my doctor said when she called me at my office on Friday.

I have a pre-mutated Fragile X gene.  Fragile X is a gene that causes mental retardation (among other things) in babies, and there is the potential that if I pass this gene along to my baby, it could fully mutate and result in mental retardation.  My doctor said that she isn’t too worried yet, but she referred Chris and me to a genetic counselor who will be able to talk to us more about the risks and statistics.  And this morning, I am waiting to find out if I am going to be able to get in this week to have a procedure called a CVS, which is where they go in through my abdomen and take a sample of the placenta to test and see if the baby has been effected. I sort of stopped listening after that because she referred to me as a “high risk pregnancy” and there’s really not that much more to hear when that phrase is thrown out there.

I’m trying to be calm and, above all, optimistic.  But its hard.  It helps that my family is here to distract me with really important things like what we are going to have for dinner and where we should spend the afternoon shopping.  But when I lay down at night, my head races.  Which is why it is 5:50 in the morning and I am sitting at my computer.

Sometimes it takes situations like this to remind me that no matter what kind of responsibilities I am given – parenthood, a marriage, a house – I am completely out of control.  Some things are just so much bigger than me, and all I can do is hope to be the best vessel for God to work through.  So, when I’ve prayed these past few days (and I’ve prayed a LOT), I have prayed not for a healthy or perfect baby, but for grace and patience and peace.  I feel like I need to be as calm and serene as possible so that He can happen through me.  And I feel like I have been so far.

But then there is that hour between about 4:00 and 5:00 AM where my fear gets the best of me and I no matter how much I reason with myself or pray to Someone bigger than me, I still feel scared and so incredibly small.  So, clearly, I am just not able to pray enough for myself right now.  I’m able to pray enough to keep me peaceful for 23 hours of the day, and I could use some prayers to get me through that 24th hour.

I’m asking for prayers, or support, or encouragement, or happy thoughts, or good vibes, or peaceful spirits, or whatever it is that gets YOU through these situations.  I’m asking for those.

Because sometimes you just need help in that 24th hour.

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19 Comments

Filed under pregnancy

19 responses to “The 24th Hour

  1. So I’m going back and reading your posts from where I left off. (Sorry, I haven’t read blogs in forever!) So…. as I go along I realize there may be an update to this already written, but I’m just going to comment as I go, pretending you don’t already have a bunch of posts after this. Anyways, I can’t imagine how you felt on this day. It sounds like you are being really strong and doing the only thing you can at this point…putting it all in God’s hands. Thinking and praying for you guys. No, really….I honestly do pray for bloggers when they need it. Everything will turn out just fine =)

  2. Jackie

    After talking to Chris today. I had to come to the blog and see what you had to say. You know our thoughts and prayers will be with you. We love you guys. Happy Thanksgiving! See you all soon.

  3. amberheravenus

    The universe will only give you what you can handle… no more, no less. Keep your chin up and try to laugh, even if it’s for no reason at all. And demand hugs. Wish I could give you one now!

  4. I’m so sorry! Eat a lot of pie, shop with friends and family and write in a journal. Writing always helps me place my thoughts and soon my ramblings turn into prayers, and it somehow helps… I’m praying for you…

  5. Lori

    You definitely have prayers and good vibes coming your way from the Bollinger household. Next week I will be at week 16 and will go through a battery of tests myself–which I am already worrying about. Keep the faith, lady. You have a lot of people out there supporting you!

  6. niki

    I’ll pray for you.

    He’ll always take care of you and He’ll always take care of your family. God loves your baby.

    Niki

  7. Rebecca

    I’ve been a faithful reader of your blog for about a month now and I usually just stay quiet… but I wanted to say that I am praying. And take it from one who has been through a lot in life… He truely doesn’t give us more then we can handle. We grow to the task at hand. I pray that you grow sweetie, and learn to trust that everything works out beautifully in the end.

  8. archiveslives

    Oh my gosh–what a hard week you’ve had.

    Of course I will pray for your peace and comfort, and I’ll throw in some for your baby, just for good measure. I believe in the power of prayer–God always hears us, even if his answers are not the ones we wanted. But I can’t imagine that he would withhold peace from you during this time. If that’s what you’re praying for, I’m convinced you’ll continue to receive it.

  9. Hang in there – everything will turn out just the way that it’s suppose to be. We’re sending good thoughts & prayers for you, Chris & the baby!!

  10. I am sorry that you have to go through all this worry! Keep grabbing hold of God, even in that 24th hour.
    Thank you for sharing though. I think it’s great that even though we have never met, and probably never will do I can sit in my little church office in Wales and pray for you, Chris and the baby 🙂

  11. I hope everything comes out ok in the tests. Praying for you. Take care.

  12. Deb

    Many prayers your way. I’ll be thinking of you and your baby!

  13. I’m kinda sad that they called you to tell you this. This is a lot of information to take over the phone and at work no less. I am a fx carrier and I have 2 fx children. If you have any questions or whatnot please feel free to email me. 🙂

  14. Mr. Bob

    All your friends in The Villages will be praying for You and the Baby!

  15. Sarah

    Hi,

    Maybe this is fate—but yesterday I stumbled onto your blog completely randomly. I read a lot, was amused and added it to by RSS reader on g-mail. And then after today’s post I was shocked. But I AM a prenatal genetic counselor!! If you need to talk, you can e-mail me. I will by praying for you.

    -Sarah

  16. Cookies and bad tv. Sometimes distractions are the best way to get through something difficult.

  17. Ginny

    I’ve been saying lots of prayers — I’ll be there in 48 hours and will help get you throught the 24th. I’m thinking and praying for you and the baby.

  18. Catherine

    Oh, Katie. I hope you’re going to be able to get that test soon & that it will help to ease your mind. I feel like all these tests they do on pregnant women might raise awareness & information of risks, but really just increases fear unnecessarily. Good luck & be strong. That baby of yours is going to be lucky & loved no matter what (even if his name is Charlie!).