I Bake, Therefore I am

Don’t these cookies look delicious?

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I made them myself.  They are peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.  Here – have a closer look…

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(Pay no attention to the blue M&M’s.  They are Spiderman M&M’s.  Only thing I had.)

They look so yummy, don’t they?  They make you want to pour a cold glass of milk and cozy up with a blanket and good book.  Funny thing about these cookies though.

THEY TASTE LIKE CRAP.  Total crap.  Like baked crap.  And I just don’t get it.

You know when you go to the beach and you get back in your car with sandy feet and your floor mats get all gritty and nasty?  Well, I imagine that if you were to pick up that floor mat and chew a little bit on one of the corners, you’d probably get a similar taste to these cookies.  Something tasting like sand and concrete.  And feet.

These cookies turned out like all my other baked goods do.  They look edible.  They smell edible.  They feel edible.  But when you bite into them – dirt.  Pure dirt.  They are gritty and dry and these particular cookies have a funky texture to them.  I think its the oatmeal.

And I just don’t get it.  I follow the recipes perfectly.  I measure carefully, preheat my oven, use room temperatured butter.  And nothing.  I get nothing in return.  This is not a new problem for me either.  I had this issue in our old apartment.  At the time, I blamed it on my oven but now I live in a new house with a new oven and I still get the same old results.  I’m starting to think its a user error.  But I honestly don’t know what my error is.  Any monkey can follow a recipe…  right???

I made Chris try one.  He kind of chewed it and then smiled painfully and made a “MMMmmm…” noise.  I’m sure he meant it to mean, “MMMmmm….Yummy…” but it came out more like, “MMMmmm…I want to throw up.”  And I can’t even get mad at him because I had the same reaction.

And its not everything in my kitchen that turns out like this.  I can cook pretty good.  I’m a Crock Pot Queen.  I can bake a hell of a muffin.  And chicken breasts fear me.  Its just cookies.  No cookie has survived my kitchen yet.

OH, COOKIE GODS!  WHY HAVE THOU TURNED FROM ME?!?!?

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16 Comments

Filed under Marriage, Random, Suburbia

16 responses to “I Bake, Therefore I am

  1. I did the same exact thing – oatmeal cookies are better without everything. I added peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, and nuts. It was just too much and the cookie couldn’t hold all the flavors – yuck!

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  3. Hilary

    Don’t feel bad. I’m the same way with house plants. Poor things sit on my windowsill in the sunlight with moist soil and yet they all end up the same: brown, dried, and dead. I almost didn’t have kids because of my certain inability to nurture a freaking spider plant. I mean, really, those things could survive a nuclear holocaust and then re-populate with abandon and two weeks in my house is a death sentence.

  4. Sharon

    You might try getting some new baking soda, assuming the recipe calls for some. I had the problem of flat and kinda crunchy cookies until I replaced the baking soda with an unopened box. The one I had had been sitting, opened, in the pantry for a while.

    Hope that helps! They do *look yummy, at least… 🙂

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  6. archiveslives

    Oh, what a horrible trial to face in your life! I can bake cookies, but now my problem is that I can’t EAT them. I am posting a recipe for delicious cookies tomorrow that you are welcome to try (it’s part of my recipe column with the school newspaper; I don’t like posting recipes, but it’s necessary right now).

    Anyway, I’m really sorry. IF it makes you feel better, I have destroyed every pot roast I’ve ever tried, and people are all like, “How? They’re so EASY!!” Yeah, easy to ruin…

  7. They SOUND delish and they LOOK delish. Oh that they tasted delish. Hmmm. Maybe you should stick with the slice and bake. Can’t go wrong with that. 🙂

  8. hmmmm well, I can’t cook, but I can bake! Maybe we should fuse our two selves together…then we could be the new Rachel Ray/Betty Crocker all in one!

  9. Just wanted to let you know I laughed out loud when I read your blog, not in a mean way but because I’ve been there too with lots of recipes. That’s why I leave all the cooking now to hubby!

    You’re right though, your cookie pics look heavenly and I love the blue M&Ms (anything with M&Ms is good).

  10. Haha, don’t you love how when something is gross, you pass it to your husband and say, “Here, try this” just to see what his reaction is?

  11. Lori

    Where’d you get your recipe? I have tried a few recipes from websites where users submit their own recipes, and some things came out like total crap–I made cupcakes that were freakin’ CONCAVE once, all because the recipe was too wet and my 5th floor apartment was too humid (hello, summer in New Haven!)

    On an unrelated tip–I rarely follow the baking time in a recipe for cookies. All ovens are different and I just keep an eye on cookies and take them out when they look done enough. Works for me.

  12. Grandma

    Let me wade in since I love to bake. I think the real problem is in the baking time. Every oven
    is different so set timer for about half the time and check often- the cookies will still be soft when done and will firm up while cooling. Butter and eggs should be beaten until lemon yellow to dissolve the sugar. Good luck!

  13. Catherine

    I was about to say that we needed another cookie break asap until I got to the middle of your entry. Well, I would blame the recipe, not you. As long as everything is measured right and your butter is nice and softened, you really can’t be doing anything that wrong. Ditch the recipe. The cookie gods will smile upon you soon, I’m sure.

  14. I have the same problem. Decent cook, terrible baker. My cookies always end up flat, too crispy, and weird tasting. I’ve been blaming it on my oven for years.

    At first I thought you made blueberry cookies and I thought to myself “well, duh, there-in lies the problem… you don’t put blueberries in cookies!”

  15. I’d be willing to bet they’re not as bad as you say. Can you send me one as an email attachment?

  16. Gina

    I have the same problems sometimes! I’m a huge cupcake maker though, and when I started, the reason my cuppies were coming out like crap was because I over beat the batter.

    I’m not sure about cookies, maybe you should look that up, if there is such a thing as over beating cookie batter.

    Are you using a gas or electric stove? I have used both and I find electric stoves are so much better for baking.