When I was little, one of my favorite books was called If You Give A Mouse a Cookie. It was about how if you give a mouse a cookie, then he’s going to ask for a glass of milk. And if you give him the glass of milk, he’s going to ask for a napkin to wipe his mouth. And if he wipes his mouth, he’s going to notice his whisker’s need a trim. Etc., etc., etc.. The gist of the book is that we’re all greedy and if you give us an inch, we’re gonna take a mile.
I am the mouse.
It all started about a month ago when I had my own personal economic meltdown which resulted in my own personal stimulus package, consisting largely of cuts in spending to evil corporate empires. Like Target. When I started getting a handle on our budget and spending, I started to see the dollars adding up in our savings account (ALREADY!! Can you believe it?!?) and seeing the balance drop on several of our debts (we’re already paid one off entirely). I became addicted. I wanted more money. Not necessarily to spend, but just more. I went from getting a high by swiping my debit card at a shoe store to getting a high making extra car payments. I was on a whole different planet, let me tell you.
But in the past few weeks, I seem to have taken it a little too far. To the point now where its becoming weird. I’m looking for any way to make extra cash. Any legal way. It started innocently with just one radio contest. My local radio station was doing a contest where you send in one of your monthly bills and twice a day they were randomly selecting winners whose bills would get paid. I sent in my car bill. And then a student loan bill. And then my electric bill. And then my mortgage payment. I haven’t won yet, but I think I’m going to submit my cell phone bill next just to cover my bases.
And I didn’t stop there. I started thinking about how many hours I listen to the radio on my commute to and from work and of all the money that is randomly given away during those drives. Why shouldn’t I get a piece of that? I’m a loyal listener, dangit! So I programmed the radio station into my speed dial on my cell phone and now I call in whenever there is a contest. No matter what they are giving away. Last week, I was the next called AFTER the winner of a trip for four to a casino. What do I need with a weekend at a casino, you may ask? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t even like casinos, and I probably couldn’t go because of all the second hand smoke I’d inhale which would not be good for the Bean. But I am now calling the radio station daily and its getting a little weird.
Then I started thinking that this was really small beans that I was trying to win. What I should be focused on instead are the big bucks. Like the lottery. Why waste my time trying to get one bill paid when I could win the freaking lottery??? I’ve never played the lottery in my life. In fact, when I bought my first ticket a few weeks ago, I didn’t even know how! I had to ask the guy at the counter what I was supposed to do. So embarrassing. But, I’m a pro now since I buy them every week. I have not won a single penny yet. Not a penny. But I keep going back because I MAY win someday… Incidentally, it is this mentality that makes me pretty darn lucky that I didn’t win that casino trip.
I’ve also entered the Wheel Watcher’s Club on Wheel of Fortune. I watch that show all the time and people are always winning thousands of dollars if their Spin I.D. comes up. Why shouldn’t it be mine? So, I entered. And while I was registering online, I thought, “Why stop there?” and I signed up to be a contestant on the show. And then I went on to sign up for multiple television game shows – Jeopardy, Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, and I seriously considered The Bachelor, until I realized I couldn’t do it because I was, you know, married. All these shows out there are just giving money away. Why shouldn’t it be to me? And when I’m in New York, I only take a cab if its the Cash Cab. None of that paying for a cab ride for me. I want my cab to give ME money.
After all this prize/game show haze, I decided that large amounts of cash were what I needed. Just having a bill paid here or there wasn’t going to do it. Not only did I want to be debt-free with a nice cushion in my savings account, but I really didn’t want to have a job either. So, now I have started scheming up ways that I can make millions of dollars without ever having to work again. This leaves me with options like inventing something or dating someone famous. The dating someone famous thing is out because of the whole marriage thing again (which is really starting to cramp my style, by the way), so I am left with inventing something.
Which do you find more useful: A Girl Scout Cookie crumb catcher/preserver or a belt that holds your underwear up?
I really think I’m on to something…